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My eyes have been opened

My eyes have been opened

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  • Ron,

    It is amazing your situation has a lot of similarites as mine.  My wife also suffers from fybromyalgia.

    I always thought the taking care of her on those tough days, taking care of the house and the kids, etc... was building up some kind of good will on my part.

    She has always appreciated what I do for her however I was not acquiring points if you know what I mean.  Unfortunately I have had an extreme lack of communication from my side of the marriage because of my own fears of failure and not wanting to lose her.

    She also has the online friend (actually an old friend) that she talks to daily.  It is not a relationiship and I know this for a fact because of who the guy is.  However I am still very jealous about it because even though it is not a romantic relationship, it is an emotional one for her because of the things she can talk about with him.j

    Unfortunately I may have just done that.  We are still living together because we don't really have a choice financially.  She says she does not k now wha the future holds and is not saying we cannot find her way back each other but right now that is not what she is focusing on.  

    It took me so long to have my eyes opened to my own faults.  However it was like a switch was flicked in my head about 2 weeks ago.  In the past I would say I understand, I will change, etc...  However it never happened because I couldn't admit it to myself that I was failing and was completely afraid of losing her when we had to face difficult situation.

    When we talked 2 weeks ago so that I could explain and tell her that I get it now and I am a changed person.  For the first time in so long she actually said, I believe you.

    I am not sure what is going to happen but she knows that I understand her now and accept the role I played in bringing her to this point of wanting to separate.

    However, we have been completely honest with other and communicated better in the last 2 weeks than we may have in our entire 13 year marriage.  I get it and she knows I do.

    Now the challenge for me is to go from this to actually progressing to having her trust her heart with me again.  I know it is a process but I have to build that trust and friendship up again and am afraid it is going to take too long.  

    Now her friendship although not romantic is causing me much stress because I feel like it is taking away from my opportunity to be there for her and I don't know how to get that back.

    Damn, not sure why I wrote all this.  I am going to start the dare and see how that goes.  Did day 1 today, was easy because she doesn't really do anything negative.  Day 2 is hard because I always do the acts of kindness so she really woundn't notice that too much.

    Now I am stuck on whether I should watch the movie with her.  I don't want her to think I am trying to set her up and put thoughts in her head that she is not ready for.

    Okay, I will shut up now.

    Jim

  • Jim,

    This is a journey between you and Christ. The dares will teach you many things that will help in your changes. It will take you through things that will allow Christ to mold you the way He wants. But you need to be willing to accept it.

    As for watching the movie with her. Maybe since you are unsure. Start focusing on your journey first. And when she starts to notice things, you can then introduce the movie.

    And as for the other guy. Pray about it. And leave it with Christ for now. With Him all things are possible.

  • Jim,

     

    wow that is very similar. My wife got rid of the romantic guy, not sure what that was all about. She admitted she wasn't attracted to him, showed me his photo, and told me many things about him. He was actually a jerk to her too, so I think she was looking for anyone that wasn't me at that time. Now she just has a guy she has been talking for months, swears he's just a friend. I'll believe her as she at least seems 1/2 way back to normal. But same as you, she talks to him online like hours a day. She does not like to be disturbed when using her laptop, so I also do not get a lot of conversation time in with her, because if were not eating, or not  watching TV at night, she's talking to him on there :(  I also have been Mr. House clean, grocery shop, I cook, clean, run our business. And I'm 100% loyal to her, I've never even gotten close friends with a female let alone stepped beyond that. Sometimes I wonder if I've become like an old shoe that is always around, she trusts me so much, and knows no matter what I love her, that she doesn't have to fight at all. Maybe she misses the idea of competing for a guys attention.

     

    I hope you guys can get close, at least your wife has says she believes you that you've changed, that is a good thing! :) Keep me updated too, and I'll pray you guys get things all worked out,

     

    Godbless!

    Ron

  • Remember.... What ever you invest your TIME, money and interest into, is what will get your focus.

    Letting your spouse invest their time into someone else (even a friend) they will follow their heart in the time that comes. They are not leading their heart.

    This is a formula for disaster.

  • Thanks Sean, I agree. I actually brought that up last night in midnight to 3am discussion. I'll elaborate below here.

    First, I'm so confused. Quick backstory. For years I had worked at a company that was dwindling down. The last 9 years I was the only actual employee and I couldn't take real vacations. My wife was always telling me she was tired of being home alone and lonely, so I'd take a day off any time my boss would let me so we could have more time together. Then just over a year ago, the company closed, I ended up opening my own home business doing the same thing and working from home. I thought it was great, we had so much more time together.

    Last night when we went to bed, she was really acting down and I asked her what was going on. She said she was major depressed, we ended up getting up and talking for a few hours. She said a few times she wants more alone time, that 'I'm (meaning me) is always here'. She said I'm smothering her. Ugh... I thought she was lonely, I had been trying to do what she wanted I thought, being around her more cause I felt so sorry for her being lonely all that time before. She insists that other guy she talks to really is just a friend and I do believe her as she has had friends before that she just escapes to to talk with. She said 'Us' isn't comfortable to her. :( She's a stay at home wife, but has so many pain issues that I try to do stuff around the house. She used to say I didn't help enough around the house, so I keep doing more and more stuff around here. Now a days I do all the shopping, most the cooking and quite a bit of the cleaning too. But last night she said I do too much around here.

    So now I don't know what to do, drive off a bridge? It seems if I'm not home enough she is lonely, if I'm home too much I'm smothering her, if I don't do a lot of house chores I don't do enough, if I do more I'm doing too much making her feel not needed. I just want to do what makes her feel best around here. But,  I guess I can't win for losing.

  • With her feeling that way, this other guy she is chatting with is not a good thing.

    Right now, you really need to seek guidance through Christ. The dare is the great place to start. So, I think you are on the right track.

    If she thinks you do to much then find out what you should stop doing. Do you pray together? If not start doing so. If she wont then you do it.

  • Thanks again, and yes I agree. I noticed today when she moved while using her laptop, she was on some webmail called gmx, so before she had been using a private yahoo account, now I see she has a secret gmx account. Some guy named Eric now she was talking to instead of the usual Dennis guy. Ugh again. She's been acting more herself so maybe it's just inocent talk, not sure why the secret email account though. I did my work today, came home and she was just starting some chores she said, so I helped and did the dishes, made the bed, swept the bathroom, emptied trash, etc. It's very hard, I just can't sit and stare at the wall when someone else is working, even if I just got done with 6 hours of work and they were just playing on their computer.

    I say our meal prayers and once in a while she does too. We had been having a bible reading at night but last night she said she doesn't feel right with God so didn't want to have one 'until she feels right with God'. That worries me, what's going on now that's making her feel like she can't read the bible and pray.

    But I will continue to read, and pray constantly, keep doing dare stuff and anything else I think might help. She thought I was acting different today, she I guess at least she is concerned with me and my feelings. She says she feels bad about that idiot from Kansas and that's why she feels wrong with God, so I hope that really is the reason and it's not something going on with this Dennis moron. I tell ya, if I wasn't a Christian, I'd be getting plane tickets and visiting some of these people up close and personal but I'll trust God to give his justice. I just want her to get straight with God, it worries me if He deals with her :(

    Thanks very much yet again,

    Ron

  • Hopefully He does deal with her and she is willing to listen. It is when He starts and we do not accept it. Then He will come down harder, and harder.

    In most cases. when someone does not feel right with God, it is a guilty thing. What they do not understand is they are being convicted by God and by moving away or hiding they think that He cannot see. But He knows all.

  • that's what I thought too. I hope she listens too and before God has to get severe. This is so very hard :(

  • man reading through other threads on here I get two thoughts

    1) so many husbands are so lucky to have a wife that tries o hard and I so forgiving. And they jut want to throw it away, forgive me I must say 'idiots!'

    2) it's so sad it's always just one spouse that cares enough to do this. All these Christian marriages, shouldn't be o many going through this :(

  • watch fireproof again, thinking how lucky he is in the last scene to have  his wife forgive him and say she loves him like that. I can't image how wonderful that would be....

  • Ron,

    If it was not hard, we would be back to the way we were. Once you have that trust in Christ will see that so much of this is a blessing. It will mold you to be a person that you never thought you could be. Including in your marriage.

    And in the movie, it was his strength in Christ, that she seen in Him. Those changes are so powerful. To everyone around you.

  • thanks those are good points . I guess I jut got disheatened when she was really responding then slipped back right when I was thinking I was making progres

  • just wanted to share something that God put on my heart jut now during a prayer. I was pouring  my heart out, as I was saying to God how bad it hurts to have someone I've loved so unconditionally, who I've worked so hard to make happy, who I've alway forgiven reject me, He made me see that's what He feels but much moreo when we turn from Him. To think I make our loving God feel bad when I look away made me relate and repent. Just one of many lessons I feel I'll have on this journey

  • We have a jealous God... Make Him first. If you are not right with Christ this may be why.

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