Hold your head high and have faith that everything will work out how God wants it to.
I have a question which is similar to yours too and PLEASE any help is APPRECIATED. I have been married for 9 years, well, i still am, but we have been separated since Sept. 2009. I guess my husband found a "friend" and comfort in another woman because (what he had told me recently why he cheated on me) I was more involved in my own fams and he lost a friend in me. Bottom line, he cheated and he apologize, I forgave him, we moved away from my fams to start over just to find out he did not stop seeing this girl. I still forgave him and asked to work it out with him, but he didn't want to, so i told him to leave. we have been separated now but we still talk and are civil with each other and practically act like friends. He is still "friends" with this female, but he tells me too how he loves me still, but not in love with me (well he doesn't tell me that, he told our daughter that). He doesn't want to move back in or try to work it out together, he wants to start as friends and build from there, but im like, how do i go from wife to friend? I love this man sooooo much and i wish he can see that. So, my question is (sorry it took me long to get to it) do i still do this 40 Day Love Dare while we are separated and he's still in contact with this female and he tells me they are nothing but friends? I will be doing this myself without him knowing because Im afraid he won't even give it a try. Any advice will be gladly accepted!!!
Wow Dani, I am like in your situation too, except me and my husband are separated. I am trying to do this Love Dare with him not knowing, but we barely have contact either, so it will be kinda hard. Im wondering if I should still do it. Like today, was my first day. I did text him to tell him im sorry for all the things i said in the prior night and that I hoped he would have a good day. of course he text back and said something really nice and then i responded and said that i will never hate him but that I love him. He never responded back, but that was the last time we had contact today. Do i continue to text him or try and call him and say something nice? I believe is with another female, but he says their friends....im not too sure how to do this if some other person is in the picture. Will this still work? What do you think?
If I may...Have you forgiven yourself for your wrongdoings that you spoke of (focusing more on your fam than on your husband)? I ask because I"m hoping that you will not beat yourself up about what has or has not happened in your marriage. Please understand that we all have flaws and things that our spouses may not particularly like about us, but that certainly does not give them the right to seek these things from someone outside of the marriage. Take NO fault in your husband having an affair. It was his decision to accept or reject outside attention from another woman. Could you have done some things differently, sure! Could he have remained faithful, sure!I'm glad that you are your husband have remained friends. I understand your concern in going from a wife to a "friend". I would be concerned as well especially if there were another person lurking in the wings. Remain patient in the Lord. You've got to give this entire issue to Him. I strongly believe you have no power to fix this situation yourself, but God does. People fall "out of love" all the time, but marriage requires work. Marriage requires committment and dedication for the times when we don't feel "in love" with our spouses. Continue doing the 40 day dares as they are for you to learn kindness, patience, and forgiveness. It is my hope that your husband will see changes in you and seek reconciliation, but in the event his heart doesn't soften towards you and God you will be a renenewed person at the very least. I too am doing the challenges by myself and can feel myself changing... For example I'm on here blogging. I've never blogged a day in my life before finding this site (LOL). I'm speaking out more. I'm sharing my story with others. I'm coaching others through their situations as if I'm finding a calling to really get involved to save people from the suffering in which I'm undergoing. I know you said that you love your husband and wish that he could see it, but right now I don't feel as though he can. Again the Lord is going to have to work on both of you individually before He can work on your collectively.I hope this helps. I'm learning as I go.Young Moses
"A light to the world"
I, too am starting this journey.
My wife asked me to leave about 2 weeks ago. I am facing some legal troubles related to actions at work in the past. My issues do not involve alcohol, drugs, or physical abuse, however, I have other behavior issues that have impacted my work & relationships all my life. I started seeing a counselor last year and it has greately helped diagnose the root of many of my challenges in my life. Through medication, continued recognition of my issues, and patience, I have been blessed with a chance to feel like an improved 'me'. A year ago, my past mistakes came to light, and impacted my employment, but legal actions were not taken and we stayed in limbo. We were also expecting our first child. It was a nightmare for my wife and my family. After a short period (few weeks-to a month) of separation, she gradually began to open her heart to allowing me back in. We seemed to be growing stronger, and accepting that we would face any future legal issues when/if they arose... and get through them. My wife actually ordered the Love Dare books for us... I had not heard of them, and it souded like a good idea... but I didn't take the initiative then and she never started it either. (Place feeling of hindsight regret here) Our daughter was born in the summer, and while there were many serious health concerns facing both baby and my wife, baby and mommy both came through healthy and happy. I am so thankful everyday for that, I love them both so much. As I was enemployed, I became primary care giver, and my wife continued working and she provides our medical benefits. I work very hard to support my wife's efforts to provide for us, and I love, care for and teach our daughter, take care of household chores, cooking, cleaning and such.
My legal issues became reality a few weeks ago. I should have expected that it would be difficult, as these things are often trumped up to be worse than they are, but more so, because even though we talked about facing this, now it was REAL. That was when my wife asked me to leave, leave key and not touch any our our accounts. I do not anger or yell easily, and I while I was distraught and cried, I did not argue. She has allowed me to see my daughter a few times, and I have remained positive with her, I know she knows that I have been a good father. Otherwse she has stopped communicating with me.
I have a strong feeling that, with her family's encouragement and support, she is taking steps towards divorce. I ask God daily for the spirt of repentance, mortification, moral courage, the virtue of patience and the grace of perseverance in in these matters and in our marriage. Our marriage/family should always be our first priority; and respect that right now, until I can get face these other issues, begin to get past them, the dark clouds I have brought over my family will get in the way of rebuilding us.
I have resolved to start the Love Dare today. I have the audio tapes as well to help reinforce my dedication to this, (and keep me company). I am watching Fireproof tonight. (Aftre reading some of your posts, right now I cannot think of a better way to spend a Friday night!) I cannot control what she does. I can only control my actions and behavior. I will pray for patience in completing these tasks as it seems some will be challenging with limited contact between us. I will also pray God will find a way to put her copy of Love Dare into her hands when/if her heart is ready to listen.
Sorry if I rambled...This was (selfishly) very theraputic.
Peace and kindness to you all.
I am wondering where you are with your Dare over 40 Days later? My husband and I have been on rocky road since our first year of marriage. Recently I got fed up and put him out.
We were irreconcilable as far as I was concerned. But then some friends of mine told me about Fireproof, and I found out about The Love Dare. I started the next day.
At the time we were on our second separation; we were living in different states, and he wasn't being very nice to me AT ALL. But I had seen in the movie that I shouldn't say anything unkind. I wasn't on that dare yet, but I knew if I said what I was thinking I would SERIOUSLY regret it.
30 days into the Dare, my hubby returned home. He was set to go abroad and was supposed to be gone a month. I prayed that while he was gone he would rededicate himself to God. I later learned that he hadn't been completely honest and would actually be gone closer to 3 months.
At first I was angry, but God reminded me of my prayer. And wouldn't you know, my husband has taken the Love Dare!
My point is, my husband was the one who didn't want to be married, wasn't willing to work it out, and had no desire to strengthen his walk with God because "they had an understanding." But God is doing His work on my husband and I have to stand down and let Him. I can see now after taking the Dare that I may have been in my own way (and my husband's). The focus on "us" took OUR focus away from Him.
I wonder if your wife has come around at all? If not, stay vigilant. Continue to allow God to change you. I believe it was the change in me (my ability to apologize, humble myself, and not respond when I was being attacked...still a tough one) that cued my hubby that something was REALLY different here. It made him feel safe enough to take a chance, and even when he lied to me I didn't address it "like the old me." Rather than chastise (and attack) him I let him know that it hurt me to know that he couldn't be his whole-self with me and felt I was someone he needed to lie to. I expressed that I could never really know him if he didn't introduce himself, and apologized for having possibly given him reason to believe it wasn't safe to do so. He started the Dare a few days later....
Let God do His work in you and know that it's already under control and taken care of. I'll be praying for you.
Chris. I have become a member of this board to help others. And the answer is YES!!!! You need to do each dare one day at a time. You need to take them as serious as a heartbeat. And you need to lay the whole thing at Gods feet and let him handle her. I am sure that what you have described is not as bad as it really is with little detail. But I will assure you of this. In my situation, there was nothing worse. She was already with someone else, the entire thing was gone. And we are together now, and it is better than our wedding day. If there is anything you may have questions about please feel free.... But you must start with yourself.....
Casey... At worse, if you do the dare, you will become such a better person. You will learn the true meaning of patience, Selfishness, and unconditional love. And the position you are in now, I am sure you feel that you already know the meanings to these words. But I will be the first to tell you, I thought I knew. Boy was I wrong. If you are serious, and you follow it through to the end. I promise you, that you will learn God will handle it. But I must tell you. The hardest part of the entire thing, is to learn to leave it in Gods hands, and DO NOT interfere with what he is doing.
Do not text him. Once you get through a week or so of the dare, you will see, You are trying to manipulate the situation. Leave it in Gods hands. You do your dares as best you can to him. But please do not read into his responses as a window of opportunity to continue to try harder. Follow the Dare- ONE DAY AT A TIME...
Reading your story is like looking in a mirror to me. My husband and I have been together for 4 years and have 4 children between us and have been having a difficult time the past few months. We have only been married for a year in May but he says that he needs his time and space to figure things out.
He has told me that he too is not in love with me anymore and he doesnt think that we can fix things between us. He believes that we should just go our separate ways. We have done this several times in the past before we got married. We would start getting close and he would get scared because his first wife had wronged him so badly and he would begin to push me away. We would split up for about a month and then he would call me and want me to come back home. He has told me that I am the only person in the world that is always there for him no matter what. He knows that I would do anything for him and I have.
So when he tells me now that he needs time to figure things out and hes not sure that we can salvage our marriage it makes me skeptical. He is not willing to go to counseling with me or make the tiniest effort to help me repair damage that has been done. He recognizes the fact that our problems are the result of both of us making mistakes but he doesnt feel that it would do any good to work on it and try to fix it.
So how does one spouse forge ahead and fight what seems to be a losing battle? I just recently started the Love Dare after my best friend and practically sister told me that it saved her marriage. She had gone through almost the same things that I am going through and she says that it was hard but to keep going and keep doing the dares. At times it seems hopeless but at times you can see a glimmer of what used to be and those are the moments that I want to find....those are the moments that make me want to save my marriage. I am currently only on day 4 and right now it seems like nothing is getting through to my husband.
That being said, my only advice to you is the advice my dear friend gave me. Take one day at a time and dont give up. Keep doing the dares even when it seems hopeless. Those are the times you need them the most. Lean on God and pray and in the end I have faith that every thing will work out. I know it is hard to hold on to that faith when it feels like your world is falling apart but with God all things are possible.
My prayers are with you and if I come across any more advice I will share it with you. I hope you do the same and I truly hope everything works out for you.
God bless you,
Something jumps off the page at me and feels VERY WRONG about something you said in your post:. Here it is: "My struggle now is just getting her to that point".
This isn't your job. i will be starting the love dare for the third time. My wife has a boyfriend who she has been blatantly physical with for almost 8 months. She has an injunction against me but God is telling me: KEEP TRYING. I wish he'd leave me alone. I am with ya Chris and I know this hurts. I'm 13 months into it and have filed for divorce but still God says keep going.
Let GOD get HER to THAT point. Like we like to say to each other in Alcoholics Anonymous: work the steps. the rest falls into place with God's help.
God Bless you,
Yes. I think they mentioned this in the Director's Commentaries on Fireproof. The concept of Unconditional Love can work with just about anyone. I think what it really takes is us first having to put aside our anger/ hurt feelings through forgiveness and prayer (sometimes not easy), followed by more prayer and more prayer after that. Did I mention prayer? Once we can get to a place where we've put aside the bad feelings, we can display Unconditional Love. I make this sound a lot easier than it is. Some days it's a struggle. But yeah it can be done with others...
It absolutely can be done without her being interested. Think of it like courting her all over again. The desire to fix things will show itself most clearly when you don't need her promise that she will cooperate and her lack of desire to participate will make your dedication to the cause that much more effective.
always remember with God everything is possible.
just a little advice, you can't get her to that point, only God can.
the most important advise I can give you is to do you. in other words,
you pray and ask God to shape and mold you into that husband that he intended
you to be. work real hard toward that. I am speaking from experience, once you do that watch God work. my husband and I have been married for 15 yrs. I felt as it I always wore the pants. I did not allow him to be the head. but I always prayed God, change HIM. he said (God) what about you?! when I change him into the husband I called him to be, will you be the wife I called you to be? looking in the mirror was not fun, but I did allow God to change me. and now I see him as the head, my king, my husband. oh, and by the way it was NOT easy. remember God can change any situation. I will add you and your family to my prayer list.
GRACE AND PEACE
7336 (praying for you always)
I am also new to the dare but my wife tried it on me. I am a father of four and they currently reside with me. A year or so ago i got involved in an online game and my family feel apart because of my addiction to the game my wife left a week ago as i said she tried the dare on me but i am not sure where she gave up. We have had our ups and downs over the years she had an affair about six years ago and i can tell you that it is hard for a man to get over but lucyyoung i can tell you that until you let it go on your part and forgive yourself then you cant focus on helping him get past it the only advice i can give you is if you have asked god for forgivness then the sin dosent exsist in you life anymore you have to forgive yourself. and another thing the best thing you can do for your husband is pray god can take care of his hurt feelings and anger you cant help him through it you have to let god do it. i hope everything works out for everyone you are all in my prayers as i hope i am.