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Re: Feeling Lost

Feeling Lost

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  • Hello,

    My name is Kambria and my husband's name is Josh. We have been married for 13 years this coming March 27th of 2018. This past Sunday he admitted he cheated on me about 5 months ago. It was with a random female in a bar. We have been living in two different places for 2 years because of our jobs. I personally wanted to move down here to be with him. But he kept making excuses. He promised me that was the only time he did. I drove down here that very Sunday to talk to him face to face. I took personal time off work to be here with him. I am in a lot of pain but on my drive (that felt like forever) I came to the realization that I did not want to lose my husband. He is the most important person on this earth to me. I don't want to lose him because I still love him very much. I told him as much and more when I got here. I told him I want none of our family and friends to know. I don't want them to look at him bad or consider me a fool for staying with him because that would only be more pressure on our already fragile marriage. On top of that he finally started communicating his feelings to me which he never really had and I wish he would have done it sooner. He said he wanted a family and he didn't think he could have that with me. We were pregnant in 2005 and I lost it to an ectopic pregnancy and I lost a tube. I have wanted children for as long as I can remember. We have not been able to get pregnant since then even after all the doctor and procedures. I did make an appointment at a fertility clinic next week to try again, because I do carry the guilt of not being able to give us a family every day. He also told me he doesn't love me as much as he use to or more along the lines he has been going through the motions and he is tired of faking our life together. He did tell me his mind wants to try and work things out between us but his heart is a different story. He also said I have left myself go (which is true) and so I have started almost immediately trying to fix that. I am trying so hard to fix things and I have been down here now for 5 days today. He has said he is not attracted to me anymore and so I have been trying to have sex with him while I have been here. We have done it 3 times but he got sick and now we haven't done anything in 2 days. He said the girl was skinny and pretty, but I was pretty in a different way. I could go on and on about everything he and I have said. I am truly willing to get past the cheating because my heart is more scared of losing the man I love and want to grow old with and I truly still have our vows from our wedding in my heart. I have been lost, confused, and heartbroken these past few days. My only hope is that his mind says for him to try but my worry is his heart is going to tell me he wants a divorce. I told him from the day we were married that I didn't even want to say the "D" word in our marriage. That wasn't an option for me. I wanted to marry him and I loved him and he was my life. I know it is my fault as well we came to this point. My husband has not been for a long time an intimate type person like holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. Sex yes but not the other. He's not a real cuddler either. I remembered a long time ago when Fireproof just came out and we watched it together. So today after praying and telling God that I know we have cut him out of our lives and marriage for a long time, that I need his help because I want a healthy and happy marriage, even better then before when we were happy. That to touch my husband's heart and give me the right words and actions to help us both heal our marriage. That he was the only one who could. There is nothing more I can do. I went on and on for almost an hour praying and asking God to forgive us for leaving him out of our lives for so long. For both of us doing things we shouldn't. I never physically cheated but it was nice being told by men compliments and being flirted with because my husband didn't. My husband also told me he did what he did because she made him feel wanted and I didn't. I have always wanted him but I didn't feel wanted by him either. I told him I was sorry I made him feel that way because it wasn't intentional. I have always wanted us to want each other. I just don't think we knew how. My husband really does not like to talk or communicate and I on the other hand do maybe too much. I am the type to want to lay it all on the table and just fix it right there. I know that can't always be possible. And right now my trying to do everything possible to change things is making me to pushy and pressuring him too much. So I don't want to do that. I just want him to love me again, for us to be happy, and our marriage to continue on until we both die of old age. I know now that it can't happen without God. He is the only one I could turn to and no one else can help. As I was praying just now outside about everything I have pretty much said here, The Love Dare, came into my head. Once I was done praying I looked it up, took the test, and I am going to get the book today. I read about Day 1 and plan on doing that today. He is at work but maybe taking things one day at a time and not burdening him so much will work. It will stop me from coming on so strong. My heart and mind are all over the place. So I am pushing so hard not to lose him. So this is where I am at now. Please pray for us and I am putting my faith and hope in God and The Love Dare. I will do anything I need to because that man is my everything on this earth. I pray God will give us children that we have so desperately wanted. Not that adoption isn't an option but I know my husband wants a kid of our own. So please please pray for us. Thank you for taking the time to read all of this and any healthy advice will be appreciated.

     

  • Welcome. This will be a journey between you and Christ, not you and your husband.  he will be used as a tool to mold you. do a  dare a day, no more, no less,.  This way you are not  in his space and being pushy, and leaves you more time with God. And more time for God to work in him.

    When doing the dares have no expectations of him. in fact, it may get worse before it gets better, but do not worry this, if it happens, will serve purpose.

    Do not read ahead in the book, other  than the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  

    do not change the dares to make them easier.

    Try copying and pasting in The Love Dare Journal section, under the  Community tab.  More people  most people  read just that  side  of the website.  If you have trouble posting there, please come back to this  section and I will look for  you.  

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