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Re: He's cheating....again....sort of.

He's cheating....again....sort of.

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  • We are 47 & 50 yrs old, we have been married for almost 14 years. This is his 3rd marriage (1st wife ran off with the baby sitter, 2nd became muslim and moved to Egypt, then there's me) He has a grown daughter living in VA.
    I have 2 grown boys from an ex-boy friend. 1 of them was conceived by rape. I have never been married. Until I met him, I was celibate, I had lost all trust in men and their "love" physical desire was dead.
    Then I met him. He said and did all the right things, and I found trust and faith and love again. We got married almost 2 years after we met, church wedding, blending our families.
    We had a miscarriage 2 years after we married, and while I was recovering from that, I first discovered he was having "virtual affairs"--trying to hook up with women, complaining to them that I was disgusted by him and refused to have sex with him. I don't know if he ever met any of these women in person or not. He cried, begged, and apologized, promised to never do it again.
    But part of me had been hurt deeply again. I felt that in that instant, the walls I had surrounded my heart with all those years ago just reappeared in an instant. I had trouble being physical with him again. I ignored my fear and forced it anyway. 
    When we conceived again, a year later, I was VERY sick. Needless to say, sex was off the menu again. By the time I was 6 months along, he was back at it. Again, I don't know if it was limited to online or if it was ever IRL. And again, the crying, begging, apologies, and promises....and even more hurt.
    My libido was tanked...I have tried PTSD therapy to try to erase some of the scars from the rape. I have tried antidepressants to restore that was very rarely that I could even think about having sex with him again without puking or getting the shakes--maybe 1x month.
    10 months ago he did it again....I have no idea if that was the first relapse or the didn't matter. I haven't been able to have sex with him since. 2 months ago, I started noticing I was feeling better about him. I planned a vacation for us, and then I found out I might have breast cancer.
    I got good and bad news on the same day...good that the lump was benign, bad, that he was back at the cyber cheating.
    It seems that at my lowest times, instead of holding me, he is sabotaging our marriage. Each time, in the texts or emails that I stumble on, he is blaming me for his "needing to cheat" That almost seems like it makes it worse.
    He doesn't want to leave, just wants to sleep around rather than work on rebuilding my trust...
    Or am I expecting too much....maybe I have handled all of these crisis wrong...

    I have held my tongue all afternoon, and I will count tomorrow as Day 1 also. The human side of me wants to just kick him out until he gets some professional help to stop this. We can have a separation, I could have space, he can make up his mind on his dedication to this family. But the other part of me knows that I made a promise to him, in front of God, and nothing he has done changes that. I still believe he is the one God intended for me, and that our marriage can be saved. We have a VERY long row to hoe to get there, though.
    please pray for us

  • Welcome.  Realize this will be a journey between you and Christ, not you and him.  He will be used as a tool to mold you.  do a  dare a day, no more, no less.  Do not read ahead in the book, other than the appendix, especially about leading the heart.  Have no expectations of  him while doing the dares.  

    If you are finding the evidence of what he is up to by snooping, determine to stop snooping now.  If  God wants you to know something, you will find out without snooping.

    Yes, he is  cheating in doing  these things. But love  believes the best, that he has not been physical or meeting these people in person.  but, in his mind, he is not really cheating since it isn't physical.  and blaming you for the lack of intimacy is just his way of justifying what he is doing.  but do not accept any blame whatsoever in his actions.  You are in no way a cause of his behavior.  But I am sure it is very difficult for him to walk away from what he has done.  Right now, let God handle what he has or is doing.  Do the 40 days and you will be happy you did.

    What you have been through in the r is a very difficult thing to deal  with.  I thank God  that you kept this child vs what many would have done in that situation.    Thank you for making the right choice.  

    Feel free to keep journaling in this section of the  site, but more people read the other section. It is under the community tab, under the love dare journal section.  If you click on your name in the right hand side, then there should be a red link that appears part way down on the right hand side.  click that and then a drop down menu should appear and then click the Love dare journal or whatever it says.  if you have trouble finding that section, let me know here.  And if you find that section, feel free to copy and paste what you wrote here in that section.  

    If you already did day one, go on to day two.  

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