I am 35 and
my spouse is 38. This is my second marriage and his third. I have three
children (16,15 and 12) and he has one child (12) that we have primary custody
of and her mother lives 2000 miles away. We have been married 4.5 years,
together 5.5 and my stepdaughter calls me Mom.
We went to
high school together and connected 15+ years later as we were both going
through divorces. Through becoming best friends and having along-distance
relationship we identified with one another as soul mates. He and I, two
guarded individuals, found love and acceptance with one another. God put on my
heart that this was the man I would be married to even though I was not looking
for a relationship.
He came to
visit me for the first time in April 2011. By July we were engaged and he had
uprooted his life and moved to the state he grew up in to be with me. He left
his daughter with her mother and a year later she sent her here to be with
always had a great relationship, with lots of openness and romance. When we got
married I was in great physical shape and he thought I was the most beautiful
woman he'd ever been with. Two years after our marriage I had a car accident
that injured my back and I stopped lifting weights (I was a powerlifter). Since
that time i have gained nearly 75 pounds and have stopped exercising.
About a year
ago he brought up that I needed to begin exercising again because I was a
"trophy wife" when he married me, and now I had let myself go. He is
naturally thin and muscular, plus he has an active job whereas I have a white
collar one. As a result he has maintained his body even though he doesn't work
out anymore either. At the time he brought it up I was so hurt. I
actually told him if he couldn't accept me then he could get out. We finally moved
past it but I resented it and never began to focus on it. He maintained that he
wished I'd work out but that he still found me to be beautiful.
to this year. The beginning of 2016 my 15-year old daughter was hospitalized
with a suicide attempt. She and he were never close and she began to really
push him away. So much so that he could't even talk with her bc she wouldn't
connect. She has been hospitalized 2 more times since, the final one ending a
week and a half ago.
home from a visitation with my daughter he told me he really wanted me to start
focusing on my health and exercising. Again, I got so angry. As I'm dealing
with my child he is worried about my looks! I told him to get out and leave!
Go! Get another trophy wife! The following day he apologized and we made
Friday I realized we hadn't had sex in a week. So I asked him why. He said he
has just not had a sex drive bc he has been so unhappy with himself, his life,
his job. I said, I am a young woman and need sex. What kind of 38 year
old man doesn't have a sex drive!! There has to be another woman! Who is it! He
of course said I didn't trust him. I told him I almost packed my bags the
following week and took my kids and left him. And that if it doesn't change he
will need to leave. He said a few more hurtful things which led to me telling
him I am done with him.
speak the rest of the night. The next morning I thought everything would blow
over. He left to do a job, I took the kids to a festival. I wrote him a letter
when leaving telling him that if he would not give on things all I would like
is a smooth transition for the kids. And that I loved him and he would always
be the love of my life. I thought this would get the idea that I wanted him but
I was willing to walk away. When I came home he had read the letter and wanted
to discuss. He then called my bluff. He said he would be there through the
transition and would start looking for a place. I said, can't we do counseling?
He said, it's not going to get better. We butt heads so much and you are not
going to work on your health. And I am unhappy with myself. I feel insecure,
and that my job was more fulfilling than his so he knew I would be okay. And
that his priority is his daughter. I cried. I begged. Please just see a
counselor with me! He said he didn't think it would do anything.
I made him
sit down and tell the kids. He didn't want to. After that, the next day, he was
angry at me. He said that he uprooted his entire life for me and now he had
nothing to show for it. I said, can't we just try? He said no.
leads us here. We have two bedrooms that are adjoined that we use as a master
suite. One room is the bedroom, one is the closet. I told him that he could
move into the closet area (the same size as the bedroom) until they could find
a place, bc he was adamant. So I moved my things and he moved his. After I came
home from trick or treating with the kids he had put a spare bed in his room
and had set me up in mine.
day yesterday I kept asking God to tell me what to do. To get me through. He
told me I needed to look at myself. I heard it so clearly...he then led me
here. I interpreted day 1 as me needing to apologize. For the things God
revealed to me about myself. That I lack patience. I'm never satisfied. I want
everything on MY timeline. I dictate to my spouse about his goals instead of
standing quietly by and supporting. And this was the part that stung. It felt
like a punch in the gut. He told me that I have let my health go and that my
husband agonized over telling me.
So I sat in
there and reflected. I write- 4 pages total. And I left it for him. I asked him
not to "answer" me. That this is about ME working on ME. I wondered
if any other people out there acted rotten to their spouse and were able to
reconcile? That is not my priority now. But I do not want to lose my husband.
He is a good man and I am embarrassed that I have lost so much focus for him.
He swears there is not another woman, just that he wants to be happy with
himself. He even said I am a wonderful wife but that he doesn't think any thing
will ever make him happy.
Welcome. Do a dare a day no more no less. This will be a journey between you and Christ. Not you and him. He will be used as a tool to mold you. Have no expectations of him CV reacting to the dares. Read the appendix especially the part of leading the heart. But don't read ahead in the dares. Try posting next time in the love dare journal section under the community tab. This section gets overlooked.