My husband and I have hit rock bottom I think and needless to say and I am scared that it is too late! Although we are both Christians our faith has been on the backburner for a while now, which is part of the reason I think we are seeing troubles in our marriage. Anytime we have disagreements (seems more recent and intense for the past month) I get emotional...I cry and want to talk about it, which my husband is not a fan of. He can let things go much easier than I can as I tend to dwell and ask him repeatedly if things are okay, is he still mad..ect! Although I know this makes him "tick" I can't help myself as I just need the reassurance. He is very carefree, easy-going and just likes for everyone to be happy...doesn't like to talk about things. I don't know what to do as I have been an emotional wreck for a month now and it is very obvious that it is driving my husband away. We watched Fireproof recently when things were heading down and both discussed issues and things we need to work on.Things still just seem 'off" to me and I guess I want immediate change. When I ask him about it he says he isn't going anywhere and what more do I want? I want things to be better than they were. We both know divorce isn't an option, but deep down it scares me, and I don't want to be married to a "roommate" either. I just want to find that deep connection again that is missing! I have read Day 1 my husband was given the book too, but wasn't too thrilled at the thought of reading it. Is it okay for me to do this alone? What do I do and how can I fix my marriage?
It is better if you do it alone. Without him knowing. There is nothing you can do to fix your marriage, you are not God. You cannot change your husband. However, you can trust God in this situation and leave your marriage to Him. As you have seen in the last couple months, when you try to do it what happens.
This dare is a journey. One between you and Christ. Your husband will just be a tool. Think back to Fireproof.
Take some time today and read the appendix, especially the part on leading your heart.
Take your dares 1 day at a time. And start having a relationship with Christ.... No more back burner. And watch what happens to your marriage.
Thanks for responding! I seem to take 1 step forward with my husband and then 3 steps back. In day 2 of kindness...he caught me checking his phone. Not really kind I would say! I am so insecure about a relationship he has that he swears is nothing more than great friends. As for my kindness dare, I wrote a note, one apologizing and two just letting him know how valuable he is. I made the mistake of asking him on Day 3 if he got the letter...We had a huge arguement after church as the message ironically was about marriage and I cried like a baby. He said I was an embarassment and now everyone knew our problems. I am so scared that I have pushed him away most importantly from God and second me. I just keep doing dumb things...I told him he was the man of our household and if he says to trust him than I will. He of course said, heard that before. And he is right...I just have an overwhelming fear and I need to get a grip as I am pushing him away. Pray that I will trust him and that there is nothing more please! I pray that my relationship with God will come first and that it would have a huge effect on my marriage and my husband. My husband is a man of God, but right now has a very harden heart...please pray for open ears/doors for him. I really feel all of this is happening because of our lost connection to God. This is no excuse but the reason for our drifting was because our preacher had an affair with a friend of ours in the church. Since then we both had harden hearts, our church went through a lot of termoil and finding a preacher was difficult. We had a small child and they were not meeting her needs either so it was just easier to 'stay home" if there was no nursery. It was just an easy excuse to not take responsiblity and unfortuantely fall to worldly ways. We have been going to church through this whole time...we went to a different church for a while...but had no accountablity, then went back to our old church where really we are just being Sunday Christian unfortuanately!
Well this is good. Now you can see, God does not want you standing on the sidelines. He needs your testimony so that others can find grace through your story.
Quit trying so hard. That is what is pushing him away. Right now, for these dares. Just do the dares, nothing more nothing less.
Focus on Christ. Remember you must love Christ first to love others better. You can never truly trust in your husband. But you can trust in Christ. That will fall onto your husband.
Through this turmoil with your husband and being on this journey. You will find many things that Christ is molding in you. And you will see what Christ is trying to get you to see with your relationship with Him. Your husband is just simply a tool in this journey.
Well...the past few days have been a little better. I am trying to remember each dare and their meanings each day. Showing kindness, patience, thoughtfulness, etc. Is it normal not to get reactions from your spouse when you do things? I think the feeling of rejection has been hardest. Asking him to do things and him saying no, or doing special deeds and not getting a response or thanks. I guess this has helped me to realize how I didn't always show interest in the little things my husband did....like being silly together, him showing affection and me blowing it off because I was busy or trying to cook. Now I am getting the cold shoulder and it hurts....now I know how he feels. Guess it is my fault and hope it isn't too late! I know that I shouldn't be focused on that at all...it is totally about making the changes in my lifestyle to help our relationship. I guess I just want immediate satisfaction and things to be better as married couple. He still seems to have a hard heart even though we are talking and things do seem to be getting back to normal. Please pray that I can remember to use this Love Dare as a way to build my relationship with him and that he will come around on God's timing, not mine. That is the hardest thing for me..instant gratification. I love my husband and don't want to lose him!
More importantly. THink about how Christ worked in your life and got no response from you. Remember this longing and feelings about your husband. Put Christ in your position and you in your husbands. That is all a part of this process.
First love Christ, understand your relationship and build on it. Then when you love Christ first, you can love everyone better.
Things continue to get better. We are communicating and I am using the tools to help me love my husband deeper. The book has been a great blessing and has opened my eyes to how important the little things are in a marriage. I am still struggling with not getting affirmations back from my husband. There have been many things I have done that I haven't gotten a thank you or he even noticed I did a task. I am trying not to keep track, but just saying I love you has only come from me since this process started. He will say it back but does not intitate, and to me that is hurtful. Those little things are what I am longing for, I feel like they will make me more secure within my marriage. I am trying hard not to make this about me....part of it is because I have seen how awesome the book is and how it has enhanced my life as a whole and I want my husband to experience it. I had to reread the jealous devotion as it seems when we have been with our friends he has shown more attention/affirming words to them than me. I am not jealous of my husband...I just wish he would show me those emotions as easily as he does our friends. Please continue to pray for my husband and I.
There are a few things here. First, that longing you feel for your husband, Christ feels for you. Remember in this journey your husband is a tool. You moments like this will humble you in many ways. Seek out Christs molding in each dare. Remember you need to love Christ first, in order to love others better.
Those feelings are OK. But they can also point to a selfish nature that needs to be looked at. I am not saying that is what it is, but seeking Christs wisdom in these days will help you.
I totally understand that it is a selfish feeling I am having. I just need to wait on His timing and will for my marriage. I will continue to pray in those times of feeling anxious of needing affirmation from my husband....I know I can get those from Christ. Thanks!
So...I get home and my husband text me saying he was having a drink with a friend and then he would be home. When he gets home 2 hours later he loves on our 4 year old daughter and basically ignores me. I am thinking about all the chapters in the book and just start praying as I can tell he was acting funky. I initiate conversation and it is short one word answers. I dont know what to do besides pray...his actions are killing me. I am having a hard time understanding how changing to meet his needs and me feeling like I am walking on eggshells is ok. He even sang to our daughter "your the only reason I keep on coming home"..... he has a special song he has sang her every night for 4 years so I dont know how not to look at it as a negative sign. Advice on his actions would be great...what am I missing and what more do I need to do?
You are on a journey with Christ and you are still fighting the flesh and the worlds beliefs on relationships.
WIth that said, he is completely of this world. And to him these kinds of things are a game, so that he can ensure that he has his way. He knows the buttons to push and when and how to push them.
Dont allow your feelings to define you. Lead your actions and you feelings will eventually follow. Pray for that wisdom and strength.
Remember as you change with Christ molding you, the more your husband will play the games and try to get reactions out of you. It is his way of justifying everything he is doing.
So my husband and I went on a work trip together. The ride down was interesting...as I tried to lead conversation mostly and he was kind of aggreviated I could tell. He finally warmed up to me that night and we ended up having a great weekend together. On our ride home we were discussing his work situation...I suggested he pray about it. Then I asked him if he had been praying? He said no and that he just feels guilty. I asked him about what...and he said not having a relationship like he knows he needs to have. I told him how prayer has really helped me recently and that God was right there waiting. He said he knew. I also asked him if he was happy...he said yes...I left it at that and hope that was a door to help him start thinking about his relationship with Christ. I feel like all I can do is pray for my husband and hope that his relationship will be rekindled with Christ...once that does our marriage will begin to bloom into more. I have a good marriage, I think we just hit a bump in the road. We have gotten complacent. I hope he will eventually want to read this book as it has been such a blessing. I still struggle with self-confidence and needing attention from my husband and understanding how not to be jealous when he shows others attention and not me. Those are my issues,not his, and I hope I continue to learn how to overcome those situations. I want to feel like I am important to my husband...I know he loves me, but I really want to know he loves me, if that makes sense. I guess my biggest fear is that he sticks with our marriage because he knows it is the right thing to do but is just in it because he has to be. He told a "friend" recently that if timing would have worked out (she is married too) that they probably could see themselves together. Kind of hurtful and I am having a hard time letting that statement go. IDK!
If the only reason you are hoping your husband finds Christ is so that you get what you need out of your marriage, that is not a good thing. You should be more hopeful for his salvation through Christ. But that is just your flesh being selfish.
This is why the dare is so important. Focus on Christ. Allow Him to mold you more in His image each day. The more you focus on Christ and trust Him the more you will be comforted and He will fill your voids, the voids you are desiring your husband to fill.
The comments like what he made, hurt... I understand that. But in all reality, those are things people without Christ say, because they have those voids and will never be able to fill them without Christ. Your husband will see your testimony and desire the same. So right now you need to lead this journey.