Argh, so today I was having horrible anxiety attacks (yesterday I couldn't quit throwing up from them) and I've been fasting and praying and of course things are going to be slow moving at first, I know this. But I got done running at the park and got the strange notion to take him lunch at work and put it in his car without having to see him. I just wanted to do something unexpectedly sweet. It doesn't really pertain to the dare so I don't know why I thought about it but I love doing nice things for him because it makes me happy to brighten his day. I used to do little things like that all the time, but I think God was telling me not to, and of course, fool that I am, didn't listen. I got there and his car was gone, and he is staying across the street with a friend so I drove down there (again, no clue why, I should have just left when his car was gone) and walked up to the apt and the door was open, his roommate was outside smoking, and David was in a wonderful mood. I didn't say anything to him except that I thought I would bring him lunch (I haven't spoken to him in over a week mind you) and he was surprised but very sweet, said thank you and I didn't stay because I didn't want him to think I did it just so he would talk to me and I told him to have a good day and then I left. Well, I should have felt good at that point, right? Because it wasnt a bad meeting, it went pretty well I thought, and I kept my cool just a simple friendly, "Hello, just wanted to let you know I was thinking about you." kind of a thing. But afterward I got so confused and I realized that I am trying so hard to control this situation and that it is tearing me up inside.
The appendix said that true unconditional love isnt always a feeling, its a choice. The more I think about it, the more I realize how true that is. The only person who can make that choice is me and David will just have to make it on his own because right now he's choosing not to love me for whatever reason. It hurts so bad but I am going to push through this because I know that God has something huge in store for me, whether it be with David or just teaching me to move on. Just knowing that you guys are out there and are struggling with some of the same things (most of them much worse) makes me feel much less lonely. The lonliness is suffocating me and if I let my anxiety rule over my life, I am letting my emotions win, rather than leading them. I love David by choice but God may not want me with him. I felt bad after I saw him today. At first I was happy, but then I began to get confused all over again by what kind of a message I was trying to send by bringing him lunch out of the blue after not speaking or seeing him for almost two weeks. I am beginning to realize how hard this Love Dare is going to be to just submit to Gods will and let things happen as they will. I can't control anyone but me and through God I am beginning to find that peace that comes with knowing him but I have to stop hoping David will come back, it's simply not in my control. I will start again tomorrow because I know I messed up big. I just need to reevaluate why I am doing this. I want my intentions to be pure and for God but its so scary to take that leap of faith. God is always there and yet sometimes I feel completely alone. Please pray for God to give me the strength to get through these next days leaning on his will and not my own. I leaned on David once upon a time instead of God. I gave into my fleshly desires and loved him with everything I had instead of looking to God for support and love and now God has removed the lampshade. I'm still very much in love with David and I want to love him, but I have to submit and that is the hardest part for me. Giving up all desire to try and control the situation. I have a long journey ahead of me but I know that through God and God alone will I make it through this, however it may go. He never gives us more than we can handle and he never leaves us. I just have to take it one day at a time because you just never know what tomorrow will bring.
"Do not fear for I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaish 41:10
Are you married?
Take one day at a time. Study the dare and do what it says no matter what you think. No more no less.
But the most important thing. Look at these dares in your walk with the Lord. Where do you stand with Him?
No, we almost got married, we were engaged for almost a year, and last month out of the blue after we set a date and began planning he told me that he loved me and he cared about me but he didn't feel like trying anymore, and then he left. We were living together but we had quit sleeping together because we wanted to wait for our wedding night. I really felt like things were starting to get better but I think I depended on him too much instead of turning to God.
Ok, I think I can do that. I'm trying really hard to take it one day at a time but its so difficult when all I want to do is hope but I feel like there is none. I'm trying to trust God and love him, not David, but old habits die hard. I just get so scared. I know that God has a plan, and that hes working on me, but I've got to let go of wanting David to come back, because until I let go of that, I can never truly trust God. I'm just so scared and so hurt right now, its really hard to quit thinking about it.
There is Hope... Especially when you are looking to Christ to come into your life. WIth Him all things are possible.
You can love David, but focus on this journey with Christ. You will learn many things here. But it has to happen one day at a time.
And wanting David to come back, there is nothing wrong with that. Just do not put him before Christ. Right now focus on this journey.
Take time to read the appendix. ALL OF IT.
Thank you Sean! :) God is showing me that he is in control. I'm learning to focus on God and his will. Not david and his actions (which is quite hard, I must say) Oh and the appendix was very helpful! It put alot in prospective for me. :)
After some long hard prayer today i've decided to stop the Love Dare. David said that he is seeing someone else and that if I don't leave him alone that I will mess things up for him. I feel like that was God telling me to back off and put the Love Dare on hold. I will still continue to learn from it but I don't think its God's will for this situation right now.
Normally I would have had a melt down hearing that he was seeing someone but God put this calm in my soul today when I heard that. I didn't say anything negative and then I went about my day (we work together). Somewhere on the brink of having an anxiety attack two things happened. I felt God speak to my heart and tell me to let it go for now. Whether that means its over for good or it just has to be over for now I dont know, but I'm not worried anymore. As soon as I thought that this incredible calm just rushed over me and I just suddenly knew it was gonna be ok. And everytime I start to think about him with someone else I realize that I am not letting God do what he needs to do and when I worry, I am not trusting him. What David does/says/feels is between God and him. It's no longer my concern.
The really awesome thing about all of this is I'm no longer scared of losing David. And when I pray to God its not for my selfish reasons and its not because I'm longing for him. God is filling this void in my life that i've felt for so long and for the first time in a really long time not only am i happy with myself, I am allowing God to take control of my life and I must admit, it feels amazing to let go. I am so blessed with the things I've had in my life and the advice I have gotten from you guys has really been a big help and a huge blessing. Some things have stuck in my head when I'm having a hard time coming back to reality. So thank you.
God is truly amazing. With him all things are possible and I just have to praise him in this storm. Thank you so much for your advice, you've been very helpful and this sight has pulled me through some pretty bad moments. You guys are so strong in God and I think its just incredible. God is Good. :)
DON'T STOP.... In fact this is needed more now than before... Do you remember reading the warning in the beginning? Well, I have to tell you that is the most understated warning there is.
Do not stop the dares. Now is the time to humble yourself and do this journey for Christ, take this journey and allow Christ to continue to mold you.
I agree you (as we all have) started this with selfish motives. But when we realize that this journey is really between us and Christ, then it is one that must be traveled to completion.
What do I do? He told me to leave him alone yesterday and he was very angry with me. He said I will "mess things up for him" if I don't stop and I'm afraid if I continue I will just make things worse. I really feel like God is telling me to back off but in what way? I'm just afraid. I want to do what is right, but how do I know? God told me to let him go but to not give up. How do I do that? I'm so confused right now....
What do I do if the things I do for him make him angry? Is that being respectful, or is that being wrong? I know this is a journey with God but what if this journey right now isn't Gods will? Do I still give up? Do I keep going? I dont know...
First you must be humble... That is one of the things Christ is teaching you. No matter how much you are rejected or met with anger, you continue to love. That makes it unconditional. Continue the dares, no more, no less. No matter what you think will happen you are trusting Christ in His guidance. You can never go wrong with that.
Thanks Sean, you're absolutely right. One day at a time and God is beginning to show me what true love is. I have a hard time filtering out the "world" point of views because they seem logical but I know I can't stop now. It's only through God that I can truly love and God's love is all I need. My mood shouldn't depend on his mood, it should depend on my relationship with Christ. I just need to love him through it all and put God first and the rest no matter what the outcome will take care of itself. Someone on this forum wrote somewhere (wish I could remember who) that it is when we least deserve love that we need it. Those words ring very true. God has never left me even in my darkest times and he didn't stop loving me because I pushed him away. I just need to learn that and take it to heart.
That may have been me. I have said that a few times. And it is absolutely true. When we least deserve love we need it the most. Remember that, no matter what happens be humble and love that person more. That is unconditional.