Hi I started Day 1 yesterday and it feels good to know that others are out there going through this as well and that support exists.
I was inspired by the movie Fire Proof which was a motivating movie for me and my wife. I have not told my wife that I purchased the actual Love Dare Book. I feel that it is better I do this on my own as it is mostly a journey for me with Christ to find myself again and save my family.
My wife approached me back in November stating she was not happy. She started out stating she suspected me of cheating on her and that I have been too aggressive with our children. I was in total shock as the world I thought I had came falling down around me. As I listened to her my eyes opened up to her point of view.
First off, I had let work take the front set in my life and neglacted my best friend and soul mate. I thought I was doing all the right things by being the provider for the family and helping out a little here and a little there. Now as I look back the times that she really needed me I was not there. I let work and the drive for success take over which was never my plan.
Secondly and I am just now coming to understand this but I haver bottled up anger and hate over the years. Some from my youth at school and home, and in my adult hood from work. As I understand this now I could write a book about the various situations, but that is no excuss to show aggression towards my children. I have never harmed them physically but now understand that they feared me. I would get in their faces and yell at them or hold them and yell at them when they did something I thought was wrong. I had become my Dad which is not what I wished. I just recently realized how much I feared my Dad growing up. It still impacts my life today and I am learing to deal with it now that I am aware of it. I never realized I was doing this and in some cases don't remember, but at night I have nightmares and flash backs to these moments and wake crying and drenched in sweat. There is no excuse for this and I don't wish to make any but it helps me to understand so I can change as I go forward.
Now my wife approached me on January 9th and stated she was thinking about divorce. She stated she had visited a lawyer and had papers written up, but decided to note sign them. This was a shock as we had a great time over the holidays. What triggered this is an episode she had with my son (10). He was at the kitchen table eating and she asked him to do his spelling. He said he was but she accused him of watching TV. Then she grabed the spelling list and asked him to spell one of the words. The sheet was turned where he might have seen the word and she accused him of cheating. He said no he wasn't and wanted to spell the word she asked. She wanted him to spell a different word and it went back and forth. In the end he got mad stormed up the stairs to his room and started throwing stuff around the room. She blamed me for this because of how I was aggressive with them over the past couple of years. I don't know if that is the case or not but I do agree that it didn't help matters, but it was after this that triggered her to want divorce. It's her way to protect our babies but she has stated she wants us to heal as a family. That may or may not be as a married family.
We are all living in the same house but she is sleeping in a seperate room. She stated that she loved me but not "In Love with Me". ( I'm not really sure what this means. Anyone that can help explain please do.) Now we have been talking more and don't yell at each other anymore. We are seeing a family counselor, but I continue to get mixed messages from her on how we are doing. One minute feels like we are back to the old way of being in love and next it like don't read into anything actions.
What I do know is that she seems to be happier lately and is joking around with me again and smilling. Every once in a while I get a little flirting from her. But I plan to take it one day at a time and not rush her or myself.
Prior to the book and seeing the movie I prayed to God to help me by giving me patience, guidence, and place love back into mine and my wife's hearts. Without knowing it I started going through love dares. When we saw the movie I just about flipped and then a sense of piece came over me. I searched for the book and now have it and I am ready for this journey with Christ.
I no longer feel anger and have no hard feelings toward my Wife at all this give me the strength to go on knowing taking each Dare will work. Please pray for me as I go through this. I love my wife second to only God and Christ. She is my life and my anchor and I will do what it takes to save our marriage.
The one point I forgot to mention which I know Christ will show her the truth is that I have never cheated on her. We have been together for 21 years and she is the only person in my life that I have been intimate with. I am proud to be able to state that and know Christ will open her eyes to the truth.
Welcome. And glad to see you have started the journey. The first thing I like to point out to people who have just got the book. Take the time to read everything prior to day 1. And the entire appendix. Also, only read one day at a time. Never look ahead. A big part of this journey is learning to trust Christ, to count on Him to give you what you need to complete the dare.
This is a journey that will allow Christ to mold you more in His image. But I have to tell you, it will probably get worse before it gets better. However, that is a blessing in disguise. This journey will humble you, it will expose things about yourself that you will not believe. And the greatest thing you will come to realize is that if you marriage ever goes back to when you thought it was great, there is something wrong. You are learning in this journey to share Gods love, and because of that, you will be able to have a marriage that is so much better than what you have experienced to date.
As for your wife loving you but not being in love with you is a common thing. And believe it or not it is all based on selfishness. But leave that in the past. Don't worry about that right now.
Again, glad to see you here.
Thanks that helps. I am on day three which is the hardest for me. I would love to buy her something big and expensive but that is not her. If I didn't have two feet of snow I would pick some flowers which she prefer over store bought. I told her and a friend yesterday to go and have a girls night out this Friday. I am thinking maybe a new outfit for the night.
In either case she prefer something simple and from the heart over materialistic things.
And that is the intent.... We tend to over think things, but yet it is the smallest things that will stick around in her mind.