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Can this be done when...

Can this be done when...

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  • Can the Love Dare be done when your spouse is currently unwilling to even work on rebuilding the marriage?  I want to start and actually did Day 1 but looking ahead the dares seem impossible right now because any time I bring up anything related to "fixing things" right now it seems to push her farther away.

    I want this worse than anything in the world right now.  We have a 6 year old daughter and it is killing me to see her confusion of spending one night here and the next there.

    My wife says she "isn't in love with me anymore", but through reading the Bible and parts of the Love Dare I know that Love can be found through God and this relationship can be stronger than ever if we just both put in 100% effort.

    My struggle now is just getting her to that point.

    Any advice is greatly appreciated...your prayers are even more appreciated.

     

    Thanks,

    Chris

     

  • Chris, I am in the same proverbial boat!  My wife after 17 years and 5 children said that it is over.  She told me that the worst thing she has ever done was to marry me.  

    I have always had a job and have never been abusive to her, I do not drink in excess or smoke at all, yet she thinks that the other side of divorce lookes greener.

    She is getting help from her family, who are marginal Christians at best, and the biggest proponent is her sister that has already gotten a divorce and has remarried into big money!

    I am, whith you.

    i just started today and I am gonna do what the dares are, what is the worst that can happen?  She is already going to leave.

    Prayer, lots of prayer, and what I feel I am supposed to do is to let her go!  When she gets out there, out from under my covering, God can deal with her the way she needs to be dealt with.  

    My prayers are that she is reconciled to God, not to me.

    I need to be reconciled to God, I had placed her as an idol before God, and have been making decisions based on her, and out of fear of losing her....wrong way to make decisions.

    I need to get my focus back first.  Let God deal with her.

    I am gonna give it a try!

    I will keep you posted.

    Shawn

  • Thanks Shawn.

    I hear you.  It seems that the best thing for me to do right now is to leave her alone and let her go for now, but every bone in my body tries to resist that.  I keep thinking "out of sight, out of mind".

    My wife has always been a very religious Christian and part of the problem was that I had strayed away from that.  If nothing else comes out of this, God has used this situation to draw me back closer to Him right now than I have ever been.  I pray constantly that God will open up the lines of communication between us once again and give us both the patience to slow down and work this out.

    The most troubling thing for me right now to understand is the fact that she is so resistant to even consider trying to build this relationship back.  She's going against everything that she has always believed in.  I'm sure it is bitterness and anger towards me for things I've done in the past.

    But like you said, I need to get myself right with God first and I feel like I'm working very hard right now to do that.  If I can do that, whatever happens is up to Him.  I just pray that one day I'll get to feel the love again tenfold from when we first met.  I have Faith.  Love never fails.

    I'm praying for your situation.

    Thanks again,

    Chris

  • Chris,

    I don't know if you watched the movie Fireproof, but the main character's wife was basically out the door when he started too. The Love Dare is about loving your spouse, even if you don't think they love you back. Also, remember it's a FORTY day dare, so try not to expect too much from your spouse too soon. (I'm talking to myself here too, btw)

    Best of luck, and you're in my prayers

    Dawn

  • Well I gave her the little 8 reasons to try the dare book last Wednesday and asked her to just please take 20-30 minutes one night to read it.

    She came by today to pick up our daughter and I asked her if she had had time to read it yet and she basically said "Hate to burst your bubble, but no I haven't read it and I don't want to right now.  I'll get to it but it isn't going to change how I feel.  I'm moving on and that's it."

    She also informed me she is filing divorce papers and asked me not to drag it out for months.

    I felt like somebody punched me right in the gut when she said that.

    After she left I immediately dropped to my knees and prayed to God that I feel there's nothing left I can do but to continue to grow stronger with him and that our marriage is now in His hands for whatever is His will.  That's all I know to do right now.  I'm going to let her go.

    I feel that if I keep doing the dares, especially the ones that involve feedback from her, I may as well be banging my head against a brick wall.

    She told me she was going to write me an email or letter informing me of the divorce but didn't want to waste HER time. 

    All I can do is to continue to pray now.  I told her that I don't know a whole lot, but I do know that when you pray to God about your marriage He's not going to tell you to give up on it.  Every time I pray He tells me to never give up.  She's given up and seems to be fine with that.

    Just please keep praying for us and any advice is more than welcome.

    Thanks,

    Chris

  • Sounds to me like you are  doing all you can given your situation.  I admire your perseverance towards the hope you have in God, Romans 5.  Remember that even in the darkest times and the deepest pain and sorrow God is with you.  We have the promise of Romans 8:28 that even the most difficult times in our lives are being woven together into something God can use for good.  I can not even begin to speculate what good is to come from all of this but I believe his word and believe if He says it then it is true.  

    The dares are more about you than they are your spouse.  They are designed to change your heart not hers.  The hope is that in the genuine change you experience, God will use you to bring the love, joy, peace, patience and kindness He gives you to your spouse.  Love is a decision to stand loyal and committed even when there is nothing to be had in return.  Love is stubborn and unwavering.  Love does not understand giving up.  Love is the one thing we can always give to others.  I can not promise or guarantee your wife will come around.  I hope she does.  But what I can guarantee is Psalm 37:4, "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Spend this time falling more and more in love with Jesus and you'll find the grace and strength you need to press on in love towards your wife.  One last thing, Satan is your enemy.  Obviously he is attacking your family and seems to be doing a pretty good job.  Don't stand for it.  Just as Jesus spoke directly to and rebuked Satan's involvement in His life you should likewise do the same.  Understand that even though this battle is being played out in the physical world, the real war is being waged in the spiritual, Ephesians 6.  God Bless you!

     

     

    Leslie Holmes

    Community Builder

  • that can not be said any better.  I am about to start this journey for the second time (didn't finish the first...we got back together and I forgot what got me there).  I definitely was just trying to reconcile my wife to me and not God and it has gotten back in the same place at the same time as last year.  We must deal with Him for ourselves and allow Him to deal with our spouses.  Many time, at least I know for me, I get in the way, be it by saying something or doing something, and we move backwards.  Gotta get out of His way and let Him deal with her.  The right reasons to do this will help you deal with the anger and frustration you feel.   Leave it to him.

  • I'm new to this but everything said in here is everything I am feeling or have felt.  I feel so alone right now but see that there are others out there going thru the same pain as me.  I too, started the dare and quit while we were together and then things just went out the door.  I've been praying and writing in my journal all thru out the days.  I am here for anyone and everyone on here.  God will help us all thru this.  Just keep praying.

    Jess

  • Well, I have read all the posts and I agree with everything. I am new to the DARE, starting today. The reason, I had an affair after 17 years of marriage. I am a Christian...but have drifted away from the church and the result was that I let another man into my life that was not my husband. I felt my husband was not paying attention to me and instead of doing something about it, I cheated with the first man that showed me attention that I thought I was lacking :(.

    My husband found out the night it happened....2 1/2 months ago....and we have been trying to heal our marriage since then. I know I am not perfect and neither is he. I told him I feel out of love with him prior to the affair, but instead of doing something about it.....he ignored me even more.

    After he discovered the affair he was going to leave me and our boys (15 and 11), but he stayed...we have had many nights where I just wished he would leave because of how he was talking to me and treating me. I know I probably deserve most of it, but I want to forget the past and the man that came into our lives....but he brings it up....even after we make love....

    So I have decided to do the Dare for myself and see how it will affect my relationship with my husband. I don't know what else to do. We went to 1 session of counseling, and my husband does not want to continue.

    I will keep the faith and see how today goes for now :)

  • I tried this once before but it got hard to do because we were seperated and I gave up hope.  I am trying, no I am doing it this time.  My question is, is thre nayone who is on the brink of divorce, my papers are already signed, she has moved out and seeing someone else,  that has come back.  I know that God can do it , I just was looking for support from someone who has.

  • Chris

    we all know that the Bible says God hates divorce. So i pray for you right now.

    whatever the situation, it can still change. Have you ever sowed a seed for

    your marriage? have you ever consistently spoken the Word of God over your situation?

    have you ever just thanked God that you do have a wife?

    Keep reading and meditating on the Bible and you will find that the answer is already available.

    God loves His children very much, that He has given us all the good things.

    -- i came across the love dare when a friend told me about her marriage situation

    and could not believe that there is so much pain going on in marriages. i have my fair share of those kind

    of heartache but i made up my mind to cast my cares upon the Lord, for He cares.

    Prayer 

  • Chris,
    It is my belief that those of us here are either in a similar trial or have overcome a trial in their marriage.  Hopefully you have begun the dares already, but if you haven't I would encourage you to do so.  The dares are not so much about your spouse, but about you becoming more Christ-like and learning to respond to all those you encounter with a true sense of love (love is kind and love is patient).  The sort of love that God offers us, an unconditional love that expects nothing in return. 

    I pray peace and patience in your life today as I intercede.  I am learning to practice patience just as you are my friend.  I am guilty of having a very complex and methodical mind, which causes me or has caused me to want to "figure it all out".  This is excellent for solving problems, however it does not speak much in the way of faith.  Refer to Matthew 6:25-34, most importantly 6:34.  "Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today's trouble is enough for today."  Just focus on today's dare and take it one step at a time.  Committyourself to the dare, prepare yourself for the rejection, but most of all stay committed and remain connected to God.  When the rejection comes my friend cry out to God and ask him to deliver you from your pain.  The rejection is a test of your faith and your committment. 

    There is a reason that you are in your current situation and it is probably to bring you closer to God.  I used to think I had a relationship with God, but I didn't.  I would read the Bible, go to church, but didn't invite Him into my life on a daily basis.  I looked to the world and to other people for strength and as a result have fallen and now have an understanding of where my focus should be.  Also remember Chris that our challenges our not our own.  We are to face the challenge, fight our way through and then help others in their time of need.  I encourage you to become a testimony especially to your daughter so that when she is grown she will know her attention is to be focused on God and she will be able to navigate through her own tough times.

    You wrote things can be stronger if you'd both put in 100%, but i challenge this statement.  We have to learn to accept people where they are in the moment.  Right now you are in a space where your mind and heart are open and perhaps she is not right now.  We often hear marriage is 50-50, but marriage should be 100-0.  We each give 100 and expect 0 in return, but we have to get there.  Allow God to heal you so that you can give 100% expecting nothing in return and let's pray that in time your wife can see your renewed heart and you can be an example and a light for her.  I know it is difficult, believe me I do.  Give it your best.  Be patient with your God, your self, your wife, and your daughter.

    There are situations in life that we will not be able to overcome on our own and God does not wish us to overcome these situations on our own.  Remember that God is able to express His greatest works during our frail times because it exemplifies His greatness.  Take the dare Chris!  Allow this time of separation for God to work in you and through you.  Call out to God daily!  Call out to a trusted friend who has an ear for God and will not just give you their loving answers, but the truth.  You can and will get through this and clarity will be yours

    My heart goes out to you and your family.  I speak from my heart and my current situations.

    I hope this helps,
    Young Moses

    "A light to the world"

    Young Moses

  • Have you heard of anyone doing this dare for other family members besides a spouse?  Let's say a MIL?

  • Lucyyoung - Af ter reading your post, I really felt compelled to reply.  I too recently had an affair, after 20 years of marriage.  My husband found out after a few months and we tried counseling, which helped a little but still left a lot of issues unresolved.  When he first found out he was hurt, but then that changed to anger and resentment and he said so many cruel and hurtful things to me that it had become hard to overlook them, eventhough I felt as though I had it coming for being unfaithful to him.

    Actually, the man I had the affair with (we had ended the affair by this time and agreed to remain just friends) suggested the movie Fireproof to me - his wife had him watch it with her after she found out about our affair.  The movie really hit home and gave me alot to think about and led me to purchase the Love Dare book and give that a try.  I have gotten through the entire book and it filled some of the gaps that the marriage counselor was not able to.  Although we still have things to work on to rebuild our marriage, I believe it has set things on the right track and has given me the inner strength to keep working toward that and I find myself referring back to things in it often.   It even led me to write a letter of apology to the wife of the man I had the affair with, and that in itself lifted a lot of guilt off my shoulders.

    Hang in there and keep with it - not everyone will have the "happy movie ending" but I truly believe it can have a positive impact in some way...and when you are trying to rebuild a marriage, even the little steps count in a big way!

  • YEY - Yes people have used the love dare principles for other family members, except for day 32.

    KMM12 - It's great to see you on here having completed the Love Dare and encouraging others. Thank You.

     

     

    Leslie Holmes

    Community Builder

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